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But if you’ve been raised to think of sex as a battle of the sexes, or a business deal in which men “get some” and women either “give it up” or “save it” for marriage, it can still be a jarring idea, like suggesting to someone that there’s something they could breathe other than air.In the absence of comprehensive, pleasure-based sex ed, we rely on media and other cultural institutions to model what sex should be like.Whether you turn to abstinence propagandists, mainstream pop culture, or free internet porn to fill in those gaps, you’re likely to wind up with an incredibly narrow and bankrupt idea of how sex works, one that positions men as sexual actors, women as the (un)lucky recipients of men’s desire, and communication of consent as lethal to both boners and romance.(That’s not to say there aren’t a few good models out there for those who seek them out.And only one — California — mandates that students receive education in affirmative consent.The need for affirmative consent education shouldn’t be taken to imply that perpetrators of sexual violence are just hopelessly confused.Nineteen states require sex educators to teach that sex should only happen after marriage.Only 24 states and Washington, DC, mandate that schools teach any kind of sex ed at all.

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What’s much more likely is that he didn’t care how she felt one way or the other and treated her boundaries as a challenge. Teaching affirmative consent does something profound: It shifts the acceptable moral standard for sex, making it much clearer to everyone when someone is violating that standard.She wanted me to teach her how to know what she wanted in bed.That was the first of many times I’d come to hear that kind of question from women young and old who have been so discouraged from prioritizing their own sexual pleasure.The collective anguish of all these women has been haunting me this week in the wake of the publication of a piece about one woman’s evening with Aziz Ansari, which ended, she says, with him repeatedly disregarding her verbal and nonverbal boundaries as he pursued his own sexual agenda.I’ve lost track of the number of people in both low and high places who’ve written that the encounter was “fair game.” The response reveals the deeply ingrained ways our culture believes a woman’s resistance is a fun challenge for men to overcome, and that “consent” is a free pass one can bully out of a woman if persistent or crafty enough. But to change things, we need to talk about how we can better educate young people in this country about sex, consent, and pleasure.

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